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Katniss Everdeen (
2016-03-07 03:25 am (UTC)
She either thinks too much or too little. Not that Katniss has had any real experience with romantic relationships. More like none what-so-ever. She never had the time for childhood crushes and by the time she had become a teenager, her life had been ripped away from her. It's possible that she could be going about this all wrong. Dwelling too much on whether she's even capable of love, let alone worthy at it. Trying to figure out if Matt's comments and actions are that of a father or brother like figure or that of a friend turned lover. It's become her latest hobby when she can't sleep at night.
Really, Katniss thinks it should be the other way around. As the guest, she should have the couch and Matt should have his bed. He does more during the day (and night) than she does, anyway. But that's a failed argument on her end. She's tried multiple times. Matt has yet to agree.
Someday she'll go with him, when she's convinced that she won't burst into flames as soon as she enters the church. Right now, Katniss is convinced that it's a very real possibility. Just as she thinks that all the Hail Mary's in the world won't make up for her past actions. Father Antram would probably see right through her, just like Matt ought to.
No, she's not doing it anymore. Katniss never would have to begin with but the money offer had been too good. Still, she can't erase her past no matter how much she wants to. He'd still be sleeping with someone who used to engage in sex for money. She doesn't equate sex with love like he does. She doesn't understand half of the things he believes when it comes to love. More than that, she understands how love can destroy a person. She's seen it with her mother. Katniss has already made the mistake of falling in love with Matt. She would understand if he refused to do the same.
His eyes have never bothered her. Even if he's not looking directly at her, Katniss knows that he's paying attention to her. There's something in the way he holds himself that tells her that she holds his attention and nothing short of an unexpected emergency will change that. There's so much more to Matt than his eyes and maybe it shouldn't be, but Katniss finds it amazing to watch him fight. No one would ever know that he's blind. They'd never guess.
Although she wants to, Katniss doesn't flee. His hands keep her grounded, especially that hand on her chin. She wants those fingers to slip further up her face so that she can kiss each fingertip. She wants him to 'see' that look of adoration on her face through touch. More than that, Katniss wants to kiss him again. She takes a couple of deep breaths but her heart keeps beating rapidly. She can hear it. Katniss can only imagine how loud it must be to Matt.
"Because it's me," she whispers, her mouth dry and her words hoarse. She's an idiot, one screwing everything up between them. Yet she keeps her head near his, foreheads almost touching and breaths almost mingling. "I'm me and you're you. I shouldn't have done that."
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