She hadn't had a choice. For a long time, Katniss suspects that the words will be easier to say than to actually accept. She could've (should've?) refused to fight. She should have been as noble as the others who had willingly given up their lives rather than dirty their hands. It's an argument that she thinks can go on just about forever. But it's also something that she'll forever continue to atone for. That has to mean that she's not all bad, right? That there is some good in who she's chosen to be? And that being around a man like Matt might just make her a better person.
So pointless. But Katniss has to still think that slowing down was a little pointless, too. Words are easy to manipulate. A lie, when properly phrased, is so easy to believe in. But actions? She thinks actions are harder to hide. It had taken a few months for Katniss to learn to hide her revulsion during fights and sex and even then, she ultimately just retreated inside of herself until it was all animal instinct. He didn't have to confess anything to her. Katniss suspects that she'd still know how much he loves her from his touch anyway. Wouldn't that have been just as good?
There's no reason to retreat everywhere. Matt is everything she wants. He's everything that she thinks she could ever want in a lover. And she's loved him since the moment he pulled off his mask, maybe even before. Since the moment he interrupted her last fight. Missing any part of this would be wrong. Like denying something necessary to her very core. Like breathing. More than breathing. She's handed over everything to him, every inch of control, and it's wonderful. Trusting someone with her body this much is wonderful.
He's begun to unravel as well. The way he thrusted into her without asking for her permission, let alone without any kind of second thought, confirms it. The moans he makes, the way he continues to move against her, kiss her, and hold her as he chases after his own pleasure makes it all the more real. But it's not enough. She's become lost to all of this, nothing but want and need and nerve endings full of pleasure, and she wants him to join her. She grabs one of the hands on her hips and moves it up to her breast.
"Let go," Katniss insists, nearly whispering the words into his mouth. "God, Matt, please. Just let go."
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So pointless. But Katniss has to still think that slowing down was a little pointless, too. Words are easy to manipulate. A lie, when properly phrased, is so easy to believe in. But actions? She thinks actions are harder to hide. It had taken a few months for Katniss to learn to hide her revulsion during fights and sex and even then, she ultimately just retreated inside of herself until it was all animal instinct. He didn't have to confess anything to her. Katniss suspects that she'd still know how much he loves her from his touch anyway. Wouldn't that have been just as good?
There's no reason to retreat everywhere. Matt is everything she wants. He's everything that she thinks she could ever want in a lover. And she's loved him since the moment he pulled off his mask, maybe even before. Since the moment he interrupted her last fight. Missing any part of this would be wrong. Like denying something necessary to her very core. Like breathing. More than breathing. She's handed over everything to him, every inch of control, and it's wonderful. Trusting someone with her body this much is wonderful.
He's begun to unravel as well. The way he thrusted into her without asking for her permission, let alone without any kind of second thought, confirms it. The moans he makes, the way he continues to move against her, kiss her, and hold her as he chases after his own pleasure makes it all the more real. But it's not enough. She's become lost to all of this, nothing but want and need and nerve endings full of pleasure, and she wants him to join her. She grabs one of the hands on her hips and moves it up to her breast.
"Let go," Katniss insists, nearly whispering the words into his mouth. "God, Matt, please. Just let go."