She will keep telling herself that. It'll probably be a long time before Katniss is convinced otherwise. Time with Matt has started to mend the emotional scars that comprise so much of her psyche. As far as Katniss is concerned, Matt doesn't owe her anything anymore. His responsibilities to her ended as soon as Daredevil put an end to the Games. He didn't have to take her in or trust her with his secret. But he had and for the first time in a long time, she had felt a spark of emotion that she would have sworn was dead. Though she tries not to think too much about it, Katniss had fallen for Matt that night he took her home to his loft. She loves him even though she doesn't want to acknowledge that.
He's the first person in a long time not to see her as an object, or to treat her as one. It's still hard to think of herself as a person, let alone a worthy one. But Matt's also right in thinking that sending her to a professional would be futile. She'd sit there in silence, staring at the shrink much as she stared at the coffee shop patrons who'd ask dumb questions (well, up until she was fired). It'd be much the same with Matt's priest. The past two years of her life have taught her how easily trust and promises are broken. Why should she trust any of them, professional or priest, not to rat her out to the cops? She trusts Matt but only because Matt had extended that trust to her first.
For Katniss, fighting has only ever been a life or death situation. There had been a time before her father died when she had engaged in sport. Archery had been there shared hobby and training a regular occurrence in the Everdeen household. She had even had the naïve aspirations of a little girl to someday make it to the Olympics. It hadn't lasted. Even in the fights she had been forced to lose, Katniss still fought as if her life depended on it. Those would almost always end in unconsciousness. She'd do anything to avoid that.
Almost everything about her life then had been about survival. It remains that way now. She can feel his heart racing underneath the palm that still rests flat on his chest. She recognizes the tempo as two possible things: nerves or arousal. She picks arousal because all of her kisses have always been with a partner interested in her. It's easier to know how to react to that than to think Matt Murdock might reject her advances. Besides, she is being selfish in her eyes. She doesn't want to get kicked out of the apartment. She doesn't want to lose Matt. Katniss just wants to survive. It's why his pleasure comes before her own. She doesn't have to please herself, or even be pleased with her actions. She just needs to make it until the next day.
And it seems to work. He responds in kind to the heated kiss and she lets him close the distance between them on the couch. She's pliable in his hands; if he had wanted to lift her on to his lap rather than seat her right beside him, she wouldn't fight. Katniss doesn't know how, not in this kind of scenario. Everything has always been hurried and heated and never anything that she enjoyed, even with repeat customers. There's nothing wrong with that. At least, she doesn't think that there should be much wrong with that. It had been her choice. And Katniss is stubborn enough to fully own her faults and mistakes rather than blame others. This though? The way Matt kisses her in return? It sparks something inside of her much like his trust had the night they met. She could see herself enjoying this. If Matt wanted to continue.
Which, clearly, he doesn't. At least that's what Katniss thinks at first. Her eyes narrow as she looks at him, frowning at that sharp breath and the clearing of his throat and the way he stumbles over his words. Matt is a lawyer. He's one of the most articulate people that she's ever met. This isn't Matt. And for a good few seconds following his apology, Katniss just sits there in confusion. Then it sinks in and she's left even more confused. She had thought she was good at reading situations. She had to be, hadn't she? In order to live through that nightmare? How could she possibly be wrong?
But she had been. She had been very wrong. It comes as a shock to her and leaves her grasping for words to say aloud. It would be so easy to blurt out the obvious - I love you - but she's too afraid. In fact, she doesn't know what to say at all. So she retreats back to actions, this time being the one to grab his waist to keep him from retreating back any further. Her other hand goes straight to his crotch, rubbing at the bulge forming there the way she had learned early into her life in the Games.
"You want me," she finally utters before picking up the kiss right where she left off, still feeling just as surprised as she had moments ago. But she's determined to show him that this is mutual. And words are too terrifying. She's already messed up with words once. So she bites his lower lip teasingly before darting her tongue out to soothe the sting. "I'm not uncomfortable."
no subject
He's the first person in a long time not to see her as an object, or to treat her as one. It's still hard to think of herself as a person, let alone a worthy one. But Matt's also right in thinking that sending her to a professional would be futile. She'd sit there in silence, staring at the shrink much as she stared at the coffee shop patrons who'd ask dumb questions (well, up until she was fired). It'd be much the same with Matt's priest. The past two years of her life have taught her how easily trust and promises are broken. Why should she trust any of them, professional or priest, not to rat her out to the cops? She trusts Matt but only because Matt had extended that trust to her first.
For Katniss, fighting has only ever been a life or death situation. There had been a time before her father died when she had engaged in sport. Archery had been there shared hobby and training a regular occurrence in the Everdeen household. She had even had the naïve aspirations of a little girl to someday make it to the Olympics. It hadn't lasted. Even in the fights she had been forced to lose, Katniss still fought as if her life depended on it. Those would almost always end in unconsciousness. She'd do anything to avoid that.
Almost everything about her life then had been about survival. It remains that way now. She can feel his heart racing underneath the palm that still rests flat on his chest. She recognizes the tempo as two possible things: nerves or arousal. She picks arousal because all of her kisses have always been with a partner interested in her. It's easier to know how to react to that than to think Matt Murdock might reject her advances. Besides, she is being selfish in her eyes. She doesn't want to get kicked out of the apartment. She doesn't want to lose Matt. Katniss just wants to survive. It's why his pleasure comes before her own. She doesn't have to please herself, or even be pleased with her actions. She just needs to make it until the next day.
And it seems to work. He responds in kind to the heated kiss and she lets him close the distance between them on the couch. She's pliable in his hands; if he had wanted to lift her on to his lap rather than seat her right beside him, she wouldn't fight. Katniss doesn't know how, not in this kind of scenario. Everything has always been hurried and heated and never anything that she enjoyed, even with repeat customers. There's nothing wrong with that. At least, she doesn't think that there should be much wrong with that. It had been her choice. And Katniss is stubborn enough to fully own her faults and mistakes rather than blame others. This though? The way Matt kisses her in return? It sparks something inside of her much like his trust had the night they met. She could see herself enjoying this. If Matt wanted to continue.
Which, clearly, he doesn't. At least that's what Katniss thinks at first. Her eyes narrow as she looks at him, frowning at that sharp breath and the clearing of his throat and the way he stumbles over his words. Matt is a lawyer. He's one of the most articulate people that she's ever met. This isn't Matt. And for a good few seconds following his apology, Katniss just sits there in confusion. Then it sinks in and she's left even more confused. She had thought she was good at reading situations. She had to be, hadn't she? In order to live through that nightmare? How could she possibly be wrong?
But she had been. She had been very wrong. It comes as a shock to her and leaves her grasping for words to say aloud. It would be so easy to blurt out the obvious - I love you - but she's too afraid. In fact, she doesn't know what to say at all. So she retreats back to actions, this time being the one to grab his waist to keep him from retreating back any further. Her other hand goes straight to his crotch, rubbing at the bulge forming there the way she had learned early into her life in the Games.
"You want me," she finally utters before picking up the kiss right where she left off, still feeling just as surprised as she had moments ago. But she's determined to show him that this is mutual. And words are too terrifying. She's already messed up with words once. So she bites his lower lip teasingly before darting her tongue out to soothe the sting. "I'm not uncomfortable."