preemptiveforgiveness: (Kiss)
Matt Murdock ([personal profile] preemptiveforgiveness) wrote in [personal profile] hominidae 2016-03-08 04:05 am (UTC)

Well, no, which ought to make her feel special. Honestly, when he'd first allowed Katniss to stay here, he'd had no idea what to do with her. He hadn't intended for it to be permanent. He'd thought she surely had some place to go, someone who missed her. A few days became longer and now he doesn't even question her living here. She belongs here. It's a good thing to take responsibility for her actions and her choices, but she also needs to realize that there are some things that happened that were not her fault or her responsibility. It'll be a long road and Matt is aware of that.

Which is why he really needs to get her out more. She's far from a dirty, little secret. He talks to Karen and Foggy every day about Katniss and how she's doing or something she said the night before etc and so on. He simply hasn't wanted to push her out of her comfort zone so most of the time they stick to having delivery in the apartment.

That was not the point he was trying to make. He simply wanted her to know that he is attracted to her. That isn't why he keeps her around or why he wants her to be happy. He likes who she is as a person. On those nights that she lets her guard down, she's funny and smart, sarcastic and even charming.

At least he can understand that she wants him home in one piece and happy with him. He feels the same way about her, but he wants so much more for her than she wants for herself and it has nothing to do with his attraction to her.

He's not going to change his mind about wanting her here. He wouldn't have let her stay this long if he was. Though, he's got his own insecurities to work through so it's understandable that she's got hers. If they get into a romantic relationship, he will forever worry that this is too much for her, this being anything and everything in his life.

He's not one of her customers and this isn't an exchange of payment and services. He doesn't want to be treated like it is; he doesn't want her to feel like it is. It's important to him that she's happy and that she's pleased, that the desire here is mutual. Not quite fantastic enough.

It's not a job. This should be the beginning to something. Really, they're just too different in their opinions of what this should mean and be. It would be so easy to give himself over to the want and need that his body is screaming for right now, but he would feel horrible about himself later and there would be more need to talk and explain and make Katniss understand that this is different.

Hurting her wasn't his point. Explaining everything that he's feeling and everything that he wants this to be and making sure that Katniss is on the same page as him is important. Consent is such a multi-layered thing and he doesn't want there to be any gray areas between them where this is concerned. He knows he's giving her mixed signals and in part that's on purpose. He wants her to be aware that he wants her. There should be no questions about that. The confusion and the blurred lines lie in that he wants to make sure she understands this comes with no strings attached, that she wants him just as much.

That...doesn't help. At all. She's got nothing to make up for. HIs feelings for her have evolved over the time she's been here.

That's the problem. He doesn't get that this is different. Talking is hard, but it's important. He really hates that word paid. HE doesn't want her to ever think about him paying her or her earning her keep. 'Not so bad' isn't good enough. She presses against him and he responds, swallowing hard, eyes closing and lashes fluttering as he bites back a groan. After a moment, he tugs her into his lap. "First of all, slow down," he tells her, leaning in to press his lips against her collarbone. "I'm not going anywhere and neither are you."

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